I don’t usually let myself think too much about this. Because thinking gets me in one of my moods. And me getting in one of my moods is most definitely not a good thing. I mean, they don’t last very long, but when they do, it’s like someone squeezing my heart with unrelenting fists.
I am a twenty-one year old girl (I still can’t think of myself as a woman). I’ve never been in a relationship before, never kissed a boy (or a girl) and all that shebang. I know I’m pretty (sort of), smart (sort of) and I’m most definitely not a prude (maybe?). So why is that I feel… unwanted? The only guys who have shown any sort of interest in me are total creeps, I kid you not. They even had slight stalker tendencies.
In my logical mind I know that I’m a strong person. I KNOW I can live without a partner. I KNOW I am smart enough and skilled enough to make my own money and build my own life. But all these logical thoughts go to the trashcan when one of my moods take over. A strange pressure settles over my chest, somehow strong enough to squeeze tears out of my eyes. Even though I don’t need this kind of companionship, my heart wants it.
Sometimes I find myself looking up into the dark, unending night sky. I think about how massive the world is. 7 billion people. 7,000,000,000 people. That’s a LOT of zeros. Surely there is 1 person out there for me. Right? I wish someone would just tell me.
Yes, I’m just 21. Yes, I have so many decades of my life to look forward to. My rational mind knows all that. But my stupid, irrational mind always worries. How long do I have to keep suffering through these suffocating moods?
I love happy ending. When it comes to books and movies, I stay as far as possible from the ones which have tragic ends. Who the hell wants to read a book till the last page only to find out that someone you start caring about just dies? I knowsome people are really really into this sad, crappy endings. I’m most definitely not one of them. I’d much rather read about people riding off into the sunset on unicorns.
I have friends who are in long-term relationships, not so long-term relationships, relationships that last only the night and impossible relationships that they know for certain is not going anywhere. I honestly don’t feel jealous when they talk about their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives. In fact, I love hearing all about it. It’s only when one of moods show up, I yearn for that. For that connection that people feel. I fear that I will never feel that. This fear chokes me. I sincerely hope it is an irrational one.
I believe in ‘the one’-I’m a hopeless romantic. So how do I find ‘the one’? Do I have to put myself out there, crossing people out of a list until I find him? Or should I hope to just stumble upon him? In my daydreams, I’d meet him and immediately know. Meet him and know for sure that he is the one whom I want to grow old with. Is that how it works? Or am I being a stupid, naive girl talking about something I have zero knowledge and experience about? So many questions, but no sure answers. So many questions that no one can possibly give answers to.